AGAIN

Not this, again. The same cycle, repeats. I couldn't hold a job. And I am still trying to figure out why couldn't I hold a job. This isn't depression. But I couldn't explain.  

Having a mental disability is.. really tiring. Because it's invisible and people can't see it. When they can't see it, they pester you with a lot of questions. And when they pester you with questions, it gets overwhelming you fail to get the right words to say.

I stopped explaining a while ago since I realized people only want to understand from their level of perception.

I hope one day I can finally explain articulately about what's really going on with me

Detached

Feet not quite on the ground. I feel detached. I told my husband many times "I don't feel myself, I don't feel alive, I don't think I'm living" 

I wake up every day feeling scared, unsure, worried & hopeless. I know what's the root of this issue. Yet, the solution seems too far to reach. It seems unsolvable. Maybe not yet? Maybe. Once I get a fulltime job maybe this will subside.

I've been missing everything about my previous life. Before I came to Kedah. My doctor, my hospital, the places I used to go, the people I used to hang around with. It seems like, homesickness has always been a part of me.

So, I write. To lessen the pain. Writing has been, so far, the best remedy to lessen my pain. Magic potion in a form of alphabets. Do you know how many journals I have? Uncountable.

Ok wait, what did I want to talk about? Oh, yes, about me feeling disconnected and disengaged from reality. I had a great weekend, I knew it in my heart that it was a great weekend, but it's like watching myself having the great weekend from up above, as an observer. I knew, but I couldn't FEEL. The only feeling I feel, is feeling completely overwhelmed.

Sudden

I sat on the floor of my tiny bedroom. Staring at my messy cupboard, trying to process everything, everything that happened. What i'm feeling right now, I couldn't fathom into words. There's pain, loneliness, shock and grief. Mostly shock.

To cut the story short, I just got discharged today. Instead of going back to my parents' house, I went back to my apartment. It was a 6-days hospital stay and I was not allowed to use phone the entirety of my stay.

I've promised myself I will never come back to this ward ever again. It has been more than 3 years since i last set my foot here.

But here I am..

Where's the exit

There will be times when we feel an enormous amount of pain inside us, and we want to channel it out, but this pain couldn't find the exit door. So it wanders around, trying to look for the "exit" sign.. but we ended up feeling more lost.

That's exactly how i feel today. That even though I tell people I am heading for recovery, I still get lost sometimes. I used to be able to find words to express my pain but today is different. My pain couldn't find the way out like it used to.

But, I also like silence

I like meeting people.

I like smiling & watching people smile at me.

I gained confidence & energy from socializing.

But..

I also like silence. And some privacy.

I like solitude. And peace.

I enjoy quietness.

Halfway there

Tariq and I are engaged!

Never wanted

I never wanted fame,

or popularity.

There were times when I purposely went MIA..

Because I thought, if I go MIA, people won't see my post anymore

and I would lose followers.

I never wanted attention,

or admiration.

I just wanted to share my stories,

my journey, so people who are struggling the way I struggled,

would suffer less than I did.

Less than I still do.

New season

 I ask God for a profession that humbles me.
A profession that keeps me grounded.
And here I am, back in my hometown.
A place where I was born, raised and grew up.
Serving my own community.

Mind reader

"I'm happy with you"

Yes, I will tell him exactly that. 

We were on the phone.

Let's just wait for the perfect moment, I thought.

And before I knew it, he said it first to me

"I'm happy with you"

At that very moment, I was sure this guy was a fvcking mind reader.

If

If I could turn back time and change my life, 
I swear I would never have gone to Turkey.
I said this many times before and I'm saying it now, over and over again.
Yes, I met a lot of great people (actually not a lot of great people, just a few).
Still, it wasn't worth the pain.
It was my teenage dream to study abroad.
Yet here I am, 6 years after coming back to Malaysia for good, thinking if my life could be better if I didn't study abroad at all.
Still wondering what's the wisdom behind this.
Feel like I've wasted my youth.

Unemployed

This illness has done many terrible things.

Today, it renders me jobless.

This wasn't easy.

I had many sleepless night thinking if I should quit.

But,

Considering the panic attacks that won't stop,

the NSSI,

losing appetite,

and the most obvious - BIPOLAR CRYING SPELLS,

Both doctor and I thought it's best for me to step down from my job.

I have to go through another "trial and error" process with medication.

So we think it's best for me to do this while resting at home.

I'm lying if I said I'm not sad.

But as stated by a follower of mine on Tiktok,

Rezeki Allah luas.

Yes, I believe so.